Journey to the Death Valley of my Soul
Updated: May 29, 2019
(Very vulnerable Post)
The first few weeks in Peru are very deep and beautiful. Then, everything gets much more intense for me. I realize my expected period is late. I get a pregnancy test, it is positive, I get 3 more tests that day, they are all positive. My world turns upside down in an instant. I realize I am about 2 weeks pregnant. It is not what I expected at all. I have started dating Z few months before this trip and this journey is meant to serve as an opportunity to get to know one another more. Having a child at this time, is out of the question for me. I begin to have many moments of deep grief because my body is ready for a child and it is a deeply rooted desire to bring another soul into the world. I am overcome with fear, the reality of what is happening is far from romantic. I make a conscious decision to terminate this pregnancy, in a country where having abortions is illegal.
At first I try every natural method I can think of, herbs, essential oils, tree medicine from the jungle that is meant to clean out the uterus. My body is very upset at these efforts, I struggle through a lot of physical and emotional pain, my body feels mad at me for trying to destroy something that it desires to preserve. Nothing is fully working. I do a lot of research, I find out that there are specific pills sold here that are used for these purposes. I go to clinics and pharmacies and I am told that I need a prescription. We take an hour bus to the main city of Cusco, I go to the main hospital there, they make me wait for a doctor who rejects me immediately after hearing about my desire for this prescription. He tells me to go see a gynecologist. We wait all day in the streets of this city to see a gynecologist. He tells me he can not give me this prescription if the fetus is healthy. It is not my decision I am told, it is the doctor’s decision. I am furious and heartbroken. I start crying in his office begging for a prescription, he promises to help, he asks his secretary to walk me to the pharmacy. She comes along with us and asks them for these pills, they tell us that I need a prescription. I feel stuck in this nerve wrecking loop, I start crying and asking what am I supposed to do? Crying about the fact that it is my body and my decision and I am running out of options here. The secretary tries to calm me down outside, she tells me that I need to leave the central part of the city. That such things must be kept in secret, that they are dangerous and that no one will help me who works in these big hospitals. She tells me to take a taxi to a specific street where I should find a place that could help me. The day feels surreal to me. We take a taxi there, find the place, I am greeted by a stern woman who reassures me that I am in charge of my reproductive rights, my body and that I may purchase these pills there without a prescription. She does an internal ultrasound examination and she can’t find anything. She tells me I must be only a few weeks. I buy the pills and we take an hour bus ride back. This day is pure torture and I can not wait for it to end.
The following night, I make an official releasing ceremony, I take the pills, I journal, I pray, I experience one of the hardest nights of my life. I am shaking uncontrollably and having a high fever the entire night. There are moments where it feels as if I am dying, I surrender to the fact that I am dying indeed, a part of me is dying and making space for a new beginning. I am hearing voices in my head, visions of past and future timelines, it is such an intense physical and emotional experience. Somehow, I make it through the night and I feel much relieved in the morning. It seems to be over, yet I must wait and let my body heal. The following days are very emotional, I feel a huge void within my body and soul that I have created myself. I remind myself that I am the creator of my reality, I feel in my heart that it is the right decision and I have no doubts. As my body regains it’s strength, I find more clarity and peace in my life. I find new inspiration to keep going forward, to keep creating, to keep trusting myself and others, to keep honoring my truth, and to live as fully and as courageously as I can. The following days bring new hope and light back into my life. I decide to get a tattoo to symbolize this powerful time of my life. We find a lovely cat sitting opportunity to spend a month living in a beautiful house with a garden and a meditation room and take care of two cats. Our days are again filled with lots of joy and adventures as well as purpose and direction. Milana has new friends here that she gets to play with regularly, as well as taking art classes. We are excited to continue our journey here in this beautiful country, whatever may come our way we will continue welcoming all the lessons with an open heart, allowing everything that is unfolding to guide us further on our path.
Love is always on our side...